WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A MOTHER

Absently, Maria adjusted the teapot on the stove burner, willing the water to heat faster. She puttered with the tea tray, making sure there were no lumps in the sugar, no crumbs in the honey pot, no seeds in the lemon slices. She rethought the array of teabags she’d chosen, opting to remove the Darjeeling and replace it with an apple cinnamon herbal, naturally decaffeinated. There. Six good choices…Earl Gray, Oolong, English Breakfast, Jasmine, Chamomile, and Apple Cinnamon. Mrs. Gibson was sure to find one to her liking. Or was she?

Maria planted her hands on the counter and ground her worrying to a halt. “Stop fretting over this. It’s not the end of the world. It’s tea! If she doesn’t like what she’s offered, I’m sure she’ll cope! And, if she doesn’t like me…I’m sure I’ll cope.”

The last sentence was spoken with more hope than conviction. It was very important that Mrs. Gibson approve of Maria, of her home, of her lifestyle, of her personality, of her goals. The older woman held the ability to deny Maria the privilege of motherhood.

As she peeked into the teapot in search of tiny pre-boiling bubbles, Maria allowed herself a moment of mourning that it had come to this. It was not God alone deciding if and when she could become a mother. Mrs. Gibson and the adoption agency also had a say.

After endless forms and questionnaires and interviews and paperwork and medical tests and psychological tests, Maria and her husband faced yet another obstacle between themselves and parenthood. The stiff-backed, somber-looking, orthopedic-shoed woman waiting in Maria’s living room.

Maria fussed with the lemon cookies on the china rose plate on the tray, adjusting their overlaps to be more symmetrical. The task made her heart skip a beat.

“I would rather be wiping cookie crumbs and cream filling from the face of a child right now than fussing with the symmetry of dainties! That’s what I want to do with my life! I want to pick up toys left on the stairs. I want to be startled awake in the middle of the night by a change in my son or daughter’s breathing pattern and lean over the crib just to watch the child sleep. I want to feel the weight of a living being in my arms, the weight of his or her dependence on me, the weight of a diaper that needs attention.

Yes, I want to have to change diapers! I want to experience it all! I want to be the one to respond to a child’s needs, and watch the cherub face as it smiles its gratitude. Lord, I want to love a child!”

Maria knew that her tears would not score points with Mrs. Gibson, so she dabbed them away with a corner of a dishtowel. The tea water was hot. It was time to face the music…and the questions.

Conscious that delaying her return to the living room could be awkward, she knew that she dared not take one step without refocusing her thoughts.

“Lord, You are my peace. You are my reason for living, and my reason for wanting to share this life with a son or daughter. I release my grip on what I think I want, and choose instead to want only what You want for this family, large or small. I will, by Your grace, be as honest as I can with Mrs. Gibson, and trust the results into Your Hands.

“Oh, that looks lovely.”

“Thank you.”

“Apple Cinnamon! My favorite!”

“Good. Good.”

“Are you having some, too, Maria?”

“I’m partial to the Chamomile.”

“Let me serve you.”

“Well, thank you, Mrs. Gibson.”

“I had a nice talk with your husband earlier at his office.”

“You did? Good.”

“He’s an exceptional man.”

“Yes, he is. I’m blessed.”

“And yet, you are not content without children?”

“Oh! I…we…we want children, certainly. We long to have a child. But, I…we…we are content in our relationship. It is because we love one another so much, and so completely, that we are moved to want to share that with a little one, give a safe and loving and happy home to a child that does not have one.”

“I see.”

“I don’t know if that’s what you wanted to hear.”

“I want to hear what’s truly in your heart. I know that your husband has two children from a previous marriage.”

“Yes. They live with their mother.”

“So he has had some experience as a father.”

“Yes. And I have had no experience as a mother.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“I feel…eager, but humbled at the prospect. I’m not afraid of the challenges, but I know that I have much to learn. I would hope that my willingness to learn, to ask questions, to tap into the wisdom of others would help fill in the gaps left by my lack of experience.”

“Hmmm. You are aware that motherhood will tax your energies like nothing you have ever known?”

“Of course. Yes.”

“And that does not dissuade you?”

“Is it not worth the cost? Is it not worth it to have an opportunity to impact the life of a child, to give a loveless, homeless, motherless child a chance to know joy and peace and protection and the embrace of someone who cares clear down to her toes?”

“Is that how you perceive it?”

“Yes. It is.”

“And to whom will you turn when you don’t have the answers, when your nerves are frayed like an old towel from sleepless nights and unanswered distress, when your toddler simply won’t respond to correction, won’t obey, won’t behave as the books say he should if you’re doing all the ‘right things’?”

“I wouldn’t delude myself into thinking that I will never feel at my wit’s end, never be tempted to wonder why I got myself into this mess, never despair of my own abilities or lack of them for the task before me. I’m sure

I will be desperate at times to know just what is the right thing to do, the right way to handle the crisis, the right way to deal with that particular child’s personality and needs and temper. But I believe, with all my heart, that I can count on my husband to help me. And that I can and must turn to the Lord for direction and counsel.”

“Is that habit for you, Maria? Turning to…the Lord?”

“Mrs. Gibson, I don’t know what kind of answer you’re looking for, but I have to be up front with you. I don’t have a childcare degree to offer a child. I don’t have years and years of experience dealing with children. I don’t have a library of resources…yet…to assist me. I can’t hire a live-in nanny. I don’t even have a mother of my own anymore to help me through this. But I have a God who cares about the details, who has a heart for children, and has given me one as well. I have a God who listens when I cry out to Him, who does not refuse to send help when it is needed. I have a God who is the answer to every question, a God who gives strength when I am weak and light when I am confused and patience when it is not in my nature and direction when that is what I lack. When I take the time to listen, He…He speaks to me and tells me what I need to do. I may not be a mother, but I have a God who can make me one.”

“The sooner, the better, in my opinion.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m recommending that you and your husband receive an answer to your request for a child as soon as possible.”

“You are? But—”

“Does that surprise you?”

“Well, I thought…I thought my lack of…of experience…”

“Maria, anything you lack can be learned. What you and your husband have to offer a child is what any child most needs—a parent who operates from a center of peace. The most skilled, most experienced, most well-trained mother still has innumerable questions and concerns. A child needs a mother who knows where to turn for answers.”

The best moms…make great chocolate chip cookies.

…stay up all night sewing costumes for the

school play

…sing soothing lullabies…on key

…wipe up spilled milk without sighing and

rolling their eyes

…walk you to school on the first day and

take your friends to the mall and make homemade birthday cakes and don’t holler when you broke her

umbrella even though she told you not to

take it because it was too windy…

That may be someone’s definition of a good mom. But if I were deciding, I might choose the mom who knew how to love, even if she didn’t know how to cook. I might choose the mom who cared more about wanting to be with me than about calculating the quantity vs. quality time ratio. I might choose the mom who neglected the dusting today to counsel a hurting friend; the one who couldn’t teach me how to hopscotch, but taught me how to listen; the one who didn’t have all the answers, but knew where to find them.

What is the most important qualification for motherhood? Operating from a core of peace that comes from a deep relationship with the Lord.

You may have thought of dozens of other answers before that one came to mind. But the challenge is offered to us today to consider the difference that peace can make, the peace that comes from a grounded, sustaining, fulfilling relationship with the Lord.

Peace is a byproduct of spiritual health, which in turn brings us emotional health, in turn even influencing our physical health.

The Bible paints a vivid picture when it tells us that it is “better to live in the corner of an attic than with a crabby woman in a lovely home” Proverbs 21:9(TLB). Verse 19 underscores the thought: “It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman.”

We usually connect that thought with a husband/wife relationship. But cannot the same be said for the anguish caused in the hearts of children who live with an angry, contentious, discontented, uncertain, peaceless mother?

Joy lives in the house when peace lives in the heart of the mother.

For all your natural weaknesses, mother, for all your failings, your inabilities, your mistakes, please know that you can be remembered as a good mother--that you had what it takes—if you operate from a core of peace that comes from a deep, abiding, life-adjusting relationship with the Lord.

Mother, if you labored over the laundry today, fussed in the kitchen, went out of your way to haul your kids to practice, cleaned until your hands were wrinkled and your back ached, but you failed to take time to cultivate peace, you missed your most important assignment. You can’t do this job of mothering as well as your heart wants to without involving the Lord and without letting Him fill your heart with peace, a peace that radiates out from you to warm, encourage, strengthen, and bless the members of your family. ©